CONFLICT. AN UNAVOIDABLE PART OF LIFE.

It Starts Right Away. Before we learn to walk and talk we are exposed to conflict. It may start with our first experience with solid food. We love applesauce but our caregivers want to feed us pureed spinach. It tastes awful and we reject it by spitting it out, even though we are hungry. We do our best to make our wishes known but they continue to to force that sickening green stuff on us. We can't communicate well enough to tell them we don't want that and we don't even know that it is our best interest to go ahead and eat our vegetables. Neither of us can understand the other but we do the best we can to manipulate the outcome until we either get what we want or capitulate. We have just had our first experience with conflict and there will be many more throughout our lifetime. This first experience and those to follow will serve to help us develop what is known as our "conflict style."

What Is Your Conflict Style. Without going into how it is developed (no one really knows for sure), we all have our own style for dealing with conflict. There are aggressive/assertive styles, passive styles, and avoidance styles. Undoubtedly there are others and some that combine several styles. It is best for each of us to study our own particular style and recognize what we do as we face various types of conflicts. In my own case, I am a conflict avoider. I tend to do whatever I can do to keep from getting into a conflict. This works in some instances but it also will tend to keep me from accomplishing my objectives if I allow it to take total control. Some weeks ago, I told you about receiving a lawsuit summons from a firm representing a home owner association for money they claimed I owed. The suit was for more than $2,000 and it was my belief that it was totally without merit. After several letters were exchanged, neither of us had budged. I was also aware that there was a lien on the property involving a judgement against the prior owner that was of record prior to my owning the property. That lien was for $4,800. It was questionable as to whether that lien was collectible. I believed that I would have probably won in court but, in reality, neither side would win because of the costs of the suit. If I followed my usual avoidance style and allowed them to proceed in court without my resistance, I would definitely lose by default. If I hired an attorney to do battle in my behalf, attorney fees would be more than the amount of the dispute. If I contacted them with an emotional outburst, I might force them to go to court for the principle of the thing. I had no choice but to prepare the best argument I could and confront the issue. The bottom line was that I gave them $1,000 that I didn't think I owed them to drop the suit and release the lien. It was the only practical way to get it over with. This is an abbreviated version of what happens in disputes between individuals, business entities, and countries. Here are some typical steps involved in resolution of conflicts.

1. Assessment. Take an objective look at what's going on. Try to keep your emotions out of it. One thing I learned in graduate school was that the first side to get emotional in an argument is usually the loser. It signals that they have run out of logical arguments and are forced to resort to tactics like name calling, yelling, and threats. If you know this and are able to keep your wits, you have a good chance of winning. Take a really close look and try to assess your odds of a favorable outcome.

2. Look At The Other Side's Position. Steven Covey has written that we are well advised to "Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Try to understand the motivation of the other side, what they stand to gain and what they stand to lose. By knowing this, you will demonstrate that you are willing to consider their arguments. This will make them more likely to listen to your side as well. It will also let you know what issues they are likely to yield on and what they will probably stand firm on.

3. Be Soft on People Issues. Treat the other side with respect. Look them in the eye, smile occasionally and let them know its about the issues and not the people. Give them an opportunity to save face whenever possible.

4. Be Firm On The Issues. In case you were thinking that this is an article on "Negotiations For Wimps." you should know that its OK to be firm on the issues. Before beginning, it is a good idea to make a list of all the issues involved. I am most familiar with real estate negotiations where some of the issues are purchase price, financing, inspections, needed repairs, closing costs and a whole host of others. Some of these may be less important to you and, while you may offer concessions on others, it is a good policy to ask for something in return before making the offer.

5. Be Careful of Strictly Positional Bargaining. It's typical that each side starts with more than they want with each making slight concessions until they meet in the middle. While this can work, its so common that both sides know that the other side is asking for more than they want with the intent of meeting in the middle. This may end up with an agreement that may be somewhat worthwhile with neither side accomplishing their objectives. Look for something more creative than this.

6. Be Patient. In many real estate transactions, there is a formal written offer. Often with a date in which a response is required. Within that time frame, a counter offer is often received with a date in which a response is required. Real estate agents and generally push for a response within the required time frame but it is often a good opportunity to reduce the other side's expectations by failing to respond in time. In reality, the person making the offer may withdraw it at any time before it is accepted and not be bound by it. Sometimes, it is better to wait and let the other side wonder what you are likely to do. This extends to other types of transactions in which it is better to build tension rather than another counter offer right away.

8. Look At Other Avenues. The focus of this is that the principals are negotiating between themselves. Our approach is transactional but many disputes aren't. When a negotiated settlement is not forthcoming, it may be best to utilize the help of a mediator who is trained at advising both sides from a neutral position. Rather than go into detail on this, it is best that either sides investigate how this works and determine of it is applicable. This is often used in divorce and other very contentious situations.

Hopefully, This Helps. Too often we jump into conflicts with little preparation. If this article causes you to think twice and prepare to to seek a resolution in your best interest, it will have accomplished my objective. I welcome your feedback.