RESOLVING CONFLICT

Clear Creek.  The Land of My Ancestors.



The Stress of Business Can Be Difficult.  That's why I had to spend some time at the land of my upbringing.  One subject that came to mind often was that of conflict resolution.  It's a subject that occupies my mind on a regular basis.  Not only did I emphasize that area in in pursuit of my masters degree in communication but my business experience found me immersed in conflict on a regular basis.  Now that I am less active in business, I have found that conflict is unavoidable no matter what stage of life you are in.  Here are a some of the things I have learned.  Perhaps you might find some of these valuable in handling you own conflicts.

We All Have a Conflict Style.  We all inherit certain personality traits.  These, as well as our learning experiences, pre-dispose us to styles that we might use in dealing with conflict.  For example, I am a conflict avoider which sounds fine but the pitfall is that some conflicts need to be faced right away and can only get worse if not addressed if allowed to remain.  There are other styles such as aggressive, which has the pitfall of becoming too
confrontational right away.   Other styles include conciliatory, diplomatic, and strategic.  Before addressing a conflict it is advisable to know something of what your styles tend to be so you can better control your behavior and your reaction to the other parties' tactics.

Listen to Your Emotions But Keep Them To Yourself.  As I mentioned  in one of my earlier posts, emotions are necessary if we are to make good decisions but it is best not to let them overflow to the point that they are visible to the other party.  Another thing I learned in graduate school has stayed with me over the years.  The first person to let their anger take over is the one who has lost the argument.  When two parties are exchanging logical points, and one of them calls the other a "stupid SOB" it means that the person has run out of ammunition and is now resorting to comments that are not relative to the issues.  If you hear this from the other party, know you have them on ropes.  If you do this yourself, the next step is to get back on track as soon as possible.  

Be Firm on The Issues But Conciliatory On Personalities.  In an argument, it is OK to stick to your guns on the really important issues but you will do better over the long run if you allow the other party to save face if you should happen to accomplish one of your objectives.   One little tip I remember is to save up a couple of less important issues that you are willing to concede.  This will keep the other party from feeling like he or she has to remain rigid to save face.    

Seek First To Understand and Then To Be Understood.  This is one of the seven habits listed by Stephen Covey in his classic book.  The more you know about what the other person could live with as a settlement, the more likely you are to reach an agreement that is in the best interests of both parties.  One technique that experienced mediators use is to have each party re-state the last point made by the other party to indicate that he or she understood that point.  In order for this to be successful the mediator has to be successful in demonstrating neutrality.  It can be very valuable in helping the parties avoid constant repetition while each party tries harder and harder to make a point that has been understood long ago.  

Be Realistic.  Each party in the conflict has objectives that they intend to accomplish.  Expecting the other party to give in to a resolution that is against his or her best interests is a fantasy.  No matter how convincing your arguments are, you are unlikely to accomplish an agreement like that.  Your task is one of finding common ground.  If you continue to push for a one sided settlement, you are likely to end up in court, at which time both parties will often be the loser due to excess time and energy which results in a decision made by a party who has no interest in finding a solution to the benefit of both parties. 

Much of This Sounds Like Common Sense.  What I have written here is not rocket science yet many participants in conflict lose track of their common sense in the "heat of battle."  Keeping these principles in mind will not only help you deal with conflicts, they will help you build relationships with those who disagree with you and avoid similar conflicts in the future. 

EMOTIONS AND DECISION MAKING.

My Mom (Left)  Working at Paul's Diner.



I Was Angry and Tired.  It was a hot July day and I had been working 12 hour shifts, six days a week.  I had been doing this for six months.  Each day I had to cross a picket line to get to work and again 12 hours later to go home.  I wasn't doing what I was hired to do, I was working as a replacement for those who were out on strike.  On the way to work that morning, I had to listen to hostile comments and threats from those on the picket line.  The end to the strike seemed nowhere in sight and my boss had told me earlier that, if I wanted to keep working there, I had to put up with an occasional strike in which we would all be required to fill in for those who went out. 

I Called My Wife At Noon.  We had both been talking about how we would like to live in Colorado and I had a job offer there.  It was not in the profession I had worked in for 20 years but I didn't care any more.  I told her I was ready to put the house on the market and take that job.  She agreed and scheduled a real estate agent to meet us that evening.  Before I left for work the next morning, our house was on the market and before I got home the next afternoon, it was under contract.

Fast Forward Fifteen Years.  Later, we had built a successful business and were proud of what we had accomplished.  In addition, I was in graduate school, with a major in communications and an emphasis on conflict resolution.  The professor in one of my classes was a tall blond lady and she had just said, "Stress makes us stupid."  I forgot the professor's name but that statement struck home and I can still hear those words today.  I knew it was true as soon as she said it.  Perhaps I had always known it was true but her words emphasized the importance.  One thing I haven't mentioned was the trials and tribulations we went through in getting that business started.  The anger and fear I felt when we left our old jobs was minuscule compared to what happened afterwords.  The cost of that decision, made under duress, still effects me and our entire family today.   Would I make the same decision again?  Perhaps, but if someone had informed me ahead of time of the effects on myself and my family, I might not have had the courage to do it.

Fast Forward Another Fifteen Years.  I no longer have a job but I still enjoy learning new things.  My hobby is neuroscience and I have read a dozen or so books on the subject.  One of the things I've learned is how our brain reacts to information from the senses.  The first part of the brain to receive this information is called the thalamus.  The thalamus is like a relay station that sends the information to the amygdala,  which is not a thinking part of the brain, information is also sent to the appropriate center of the cortex which is capable of logic and reason.  Since the path to the amygdala is shorter, the input arrives there first.  If the input is threatening, the amygdala goes into action right away telling us to attack or get the hell out of there.  By the time the cortex has a chance to react logically, the amygdala has already set in motion a chain of events to protect us from danger.  This chain of events prevents the logical signals from the cortex to take effect.  While this procedure can keep us from making logical decisions it also keeps us safe in circumstances where it is necessary to react immediately. 

Would We Be Better Decision Makers Without Emotion?  Surprisingly, the answer is no.  Guess what happens when there is an injury to the emotional part of the brain?  The injured person totally loses the ability to make decisions.  This is somewhat of a paradox.  Emotions often impair our ability to make logical decisions; however, without emotions, we couldn't make decisions at all. 

A Real Neuroscientist Might Call This an Oversimplification.  No doubt this is true but a more detailed explanation might be beyond the understanding of an untrained individual.  I am a very emotional person and I often become embarrassed when these become visible, like when I get tears in my eyes when discussing something that saddens me or I hold my new grandson for the first time.  I guess I would prefer that to being devoid of emotion and prevented from truly experiencing the joys and sadness of life. 

CASHFLOW OR INCOME..THE DIFFERENCE.

My 90+ Year Old Dad.  Working On His Finances.

Do You Really Have To  Know This?  My Dad did a great job based on his instincts and many people can.  I have to know more about how things work because I don't have sufficient instinct.  Whether or not you know how to manage by instinct, a knowledge of cash flow vs income can be valuable.  Many years ago, I helped people plan their retirement by making projections about how to collect sufficient assets and how much you can draw from those assets to assure that you have enough to last for your remaining life span.  In order to do this well, you need complex software and the ability to use it.  You also need to have the ability to explain it to your clients.  While it isn't all that difficult you also need to make certain assumptions as to the rate of inflation, the anticipated return on investment from the different categories and the projected lifespan of the potential retiree.  You might come up with an accurate projection but there is so much potential error in the assumptions that, no matter how good your software, an erroneous assumption can totally invalidate your projection.  I concluded that these were a waste of time.

Retirement is  All About Cash Flow.  It all boils down to a matter of replacing the cash flow you earn from work with cash flow from other sources.  It can also be about reducing your expenses.  A strict definition of cash flow is cash-in-minus cash-out.  You can manage your cash flow by increasing your income or by reducing your expense.  Either way, you are producing cash to fund your life.  Although cash flow can be equivalent to income and vice- versa, it isn't always. 

Cash Flow That Isn't Income.  Suppose you are refinancing your house and considering borrowing $100,000 at 3.75% for fifteen years.  Your payment will be $727. per month.  Instead you can get a 30-year loan at 4.25% for 30 years.  Your payment will be $492.  The 30-year loan improves your cash flow by $235 per month.  That extra $235 per month is yours to spend with no effect on your income for tax purposes.  Which is preferred?  Suppose you are 70 years old with little other retirement cash flow except for social security.  That extra 235 per month may make a huge difference in your life.  You will receive little benefit from the shorter-term loan until it's paid, at which time you are 85 years old.  Many of those I counsel need the cash flow now and not when they are nearing the end of their lifespan.  I am not saying that 30 year loans are better for everyone but choosing the short-term loan just because you are getting the benefit if 0.5% lower interest rate without considering the cash flow implications isn't always the best idea.

Income That Doesn't Produce Cash Flow.  Suppose I own a commercial rental property.  The rent is $4,000 per month and operating expenses are $1,000 per month.  I have a loan of 400,000 at 6% with 20 years remaining.  Payments on this loan are $2,865.  My cash flow is $4,000 minus $2,865 payments minus $1,000 operating expenses or $135 per month.  Because only the interest on this payment is deductible, my taxable income is  higher by $890 per month.  I have a tax obligation with no cash flow to pay it.  

Suppose I can't continue making the payments.  If this property goes into foreclosure, I am relieved of the monthly cash flow drain but I still might have income with no cash flow.  How can that be? 

Suppose I paid $300,000 for the property.  Since foreclosure is considered to be equivalent to a sale at the mortgage balance, I have a gain of $100,000 with no cash flow to pay it. 

This Post Is More Complex Than I Intended.  What I set out to do when making this post was to show  you some differences between income and cash flow.  In doing this, I have committed the biggest sin, b o o o r i n g.  On the other hand, if you slogged through this and came away with only the knowledge that you have to examine both the income and cash flow characteristics those financial decisions you make, I have accomplished my objective.  Perhaps I can make my next post more interesting.   I have written a booklet that discusses a number of financial issues facing those nearing retirement.  It is called "Fifty Tips For A Secure Retirement."  I wrote it almost 10 years ago, but 90% is still useful today.  Send me an e-mail at Pstorms@AOL.com with your address and I will mail you a copy.   

LET'S TAX THOSE EVIL RICH PEOPLE.

Nothing like a Gibson For The Blues.

Little Change From the 50's.  The democrats want the poor people to resent the rich.  I remember growing up in the Clear Creek Valley of Colorado.  Most of the people there were blue collar folks who called the republicans the party of the rich and the democrats the party of the "workin' man."  I am proud of my blue collar roots but not sure the democrats have ever totally represented my views. 

President Obama Exploits This Concept.  He continues to harp on the idea that the rich don't pay enough taxes.  He knows that no matter how high he raised the top bracket it won't help the deficit.  There simply aren't enough rich people to make a dent in it.  He's adopted this strategy because the average person resents the wealthy and how well they live.  What the less wealthy among us fail to recognize and Obama fails to tell us is that there is a huge difference between high income and wealth.  No matter how much he raises the top brackets, he won't be able to have much effect on the wealthy person who doesn't want to pay taxes.  

Look At This Example.  A citizen has just sold his business and has a net of fifty million after taxes.  He's tired of working and tired of having a high level of risk in his life.  He spreads this cash among several demand deposits in several banks.  These funds earn no income and he doesn't care.  He doesn't live cheaply, spending about a million dollars a year.  At the end of two years he has $48 million and has paid no taxes.  At this point he is tired of watching his nest egg decline and he invests 30 million in a portfolio of conservative growth stocks that pay no dividends but grow at the rate of 6% per year.  Since he still has no income, he still pays no taxes.  At the end of ten years, he has spent $10 million from his cash reserve and is down to eight million.  His stock portfolio has grown to almost $54 million.  He's lived very well, created more wealth than he started with and has paid no taxes.  All without finding exotic loopholes that no one else knows about.  If he wants to draw cash from that portfolio he might sell some stock and pay tax at the lower capital gains rate.  As an alternative, he can fund his expenses by borrowing from his portfolio and, although he has to pay interest, he will still owe no taxes and the interest paid will still be less than the tax he would have owed.  How does he get around the eventual tax bill on the growth in the stock he has accumulated?  He dies.  The heirs will inherit the stock at the fair market value at the time of death and there is no capital gains tax.  Estate taxes are another story and if you want to know how to get around those, we can save that for another post.  

What we need to emphasize here is that these aren't loopholes that are only open to rich folks.  They are part of the tax code available to everyone.  If your assets are less, divide by the difference.  If you have only $500,000 or 100 times less than 50 million, divide everything by 100.  You can have $10,000 per year to spend and pay no tax.  Of course, you can have more than this since only 53% of Americans pay tax any more.  A family of four with an income of $50,000 can take advantage of the tax code and pay no taxes. 

Are You Disappointed?  If you were anticipating some deep dark secret that allows the rich to avoid taxes, you may be disappointed.  My dear wife thinks I am wasting my time trying to explain the difference between high income and great wealth.  But its very important.  She says I should try to put together a short five word sound bite that explains what I mean.  I can't explain things in a five word sound bite but its important to remember that taxing the hell out of a high income taxpayer isn't as fair as you think.  I remember one year when everything fell into place and I had a $140,000 tax bill.  I also remember that I had years when I didn't make as much as my lowest paid employee.  Three years after that high tax year, I was struggling to keep the business going.  This is more the rule than the exception.  High income people seldom stay that way for long.  We are much better off with a tax code that encourages savings and investment than one where the government confiscates the money and spends it on wars, welfare, and entitlements.  

    

JANICE SIMONS.  A LIFE WELL LIVED.

Woke Up To Bad News.  I was sorry to find out this morning that my cousin, Janice Simons had died.  Its not that we were very close all these years.  I still remember her as my sweet little cousin, born a few months after my brother.  Being older by seven years, I never paid much attention to her.  She was my Uncle Norman's youngest daughter.

Uncle Norman Was The Oldest Sibling.   Uncle Norman was one of three boys born to my granddad, Hardy Storms.  He was also the least healthy.  They called it "leakage of the heart" in those days and he only lasted until age 37.  He died leaving a wife and three children.  All broken hearted. There were barely enough funds to bury him.  My Aunt Lois, was left with a small, almost broken down house and no income except for social security payments.  I would like to say that the rest of the family jumped in to help but the truth is, none of the rest had more more than enough for a minimal standard of living.  Aunt Lois didn't complain.  She took in ironing for years, raised her children well, and was active in her church.  She was well past 80 when she died.

My Sweet Little Cousin Started High School.  At least, I think she did but I'm pretty sure she didn't finish.  One of her neighbors, Dick Simons took an interest in her when she was around 14 years of age.  Dick wasn't much older, just a couple of years.  He was from a family just a small distance away.  They married when they were teenagers.  None of us expected much from them.  That was our first mistake.  Dick turned out to be a hard worker and a loyal employee of the Coors company in Golden.  He and Jan were married for more than 50 years.  They raised their family well and, although I didn't spend much time with them, I was really proud of the way they pulled together and did what they had to do raise a strong family.  

Uncle Norman's Heart Problem Passed to The Kids.  The oldest, Doris died somewhere around the age of 60.  The next, Duane didn't make it very much past that.  Janice was almost 68.  No one expected her heart to last this long.  I must admit it, I feel guilty that I never spent much time with any of them.  I guess it doesn't really matter a lot because they had ample friends and family.  My sweet little cousin was able to spend her last few days at home, surrounded by those who loved her very much.  I guess none of us can ask for more than that.

UNDERSTANDING ILLOGICAL BEHAVIOR

A Pretty Stupid Thing To DO.  The recent shooting at an Aurora Theatre has to be a stupid act, unless you think suicide is rational.  No doubt, the killer knew he wouldn't survive or he wouldn't have made it virtually impossible to re-enter his apartment.  James Holmes was anything but stupid or he wouldn't have made it through a year as a PhD candidate in neuroscience.  Most of us would never have made it to that point. 

Just an Evil SOB.  I have heard that reaction from several even myself.  It might seem logical that there are a number of evil people in the world.  That's the way my emotions lead me to believe.  My first reaction was to hang him upside down, feed him a pound of laxative and beat the livin' $h.. out of him.  After 24 hours to calm down, I have decided a more fruitful approach might be to find out more about what influenced his behavior so that we might be in a position to predict similar behavior in others. 

First and Foremost, I Consider Myself A Scientist.  With an graduate degree in chemistry and 20 years of research, I remain enamoured with scientific methodology.  I studied behavioral psychology as a part-time graduate student and have read widely on neuroscience.  While I know I am no expert, I find what we have learned about neuroscience to be fascinating.  One of my favorite books, "Incognito" by David Eagleman at Baylor College of Medicine points that, by far, the majority of activity in the human brain is below the level of consciousness.  If we had to be conscious of of things like breathing, blood flow, minor muscle movements, and swallowing we would never accomplish anything else.  Almost all of our behaviors are governed by areas of our brain that are below the level of awareness. 

Moving Right Into Criminal Behavior.  Let's consider an incident that took place around fifty years ago.  A very bright young man killed his mother and his wife and sat down at his typewriter and wrote of his wife, "..... I love her dearly and she has been a fine wife to me............ I cannot rationally pinpoint any specific reason for doing this".  After other writings trying to explain his bizarre behavior he packed a trunk full of weapons, climbed a college campus tower and shot 13 people while wounding 33 more.  They had to kill him in order to stop this killing spree and much of opportunity to learn more about him was lost. 

Incidents Like This Are Not All That Uncommon.  There is a brain disease called frontotemporal dementia.  It is a disease in which normal behavior is characterized by bizarre behavior such as taking off clothes in public, shoplifting, and bizarre sexual behavior.  As the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain deteriorate, the subject tends to exhibit more and more of these behaviors.  Many of you will recall the example cited above as that of Charles Whitman, the sniper that climbed the tower at the University of Texas in August of 1966 and killed random victims.  An autopsy was later performed and a tumor discovered in areas of the brain that influence the fear and survival mechanisms of our behavior.  While that may not have been the reason for his aggressive behavior, there is considerable evidence that it was.  

The Brain Is A Team of Rivals.  Dr Eagleman uses this as the title of one of the chapters in his book.  He cites numerous examples of biological influences on behavior.  One of his examples sites a genetic make up that makes you eight times more likely to commit sexual assaults, ten times more likely to commit murder, thirteen times more likely to commit armed robbery, and forty-four times more likely to commit sexual assault.  Before you suggest that we find all individuals carrying these genes and lock them up, you need to know that we would have to lock up half the world since this set of genes is common to all males.  Indeed, it appears that the the world would be a much more peaceful place if there were no males.  Of what value is this information?  It shows us that there is a biological basis for behavior that outweighs most other factors that we consider.  

What Else Can Neuroscience Teach Us?  When I first read this book, I felt we might be on the edge of a break through in this area.  Indeed, we are finding more and more ways to study the structures within the brain and how these influence behavior.  While this may be true, they also lead me to conclude that there may not be a way to manage this complex collection of information to help eliminate behavior like the recent massacre in Aurora, Colorado.  There appear to be far too many biological and environmental factors for us to do that.  One thing that impressed me in the TV reporting was a young man, laying in the bed with numerous wounds, saying that he really felt sorry for the person who carried out this act, "he must have been an extremely tormented individual."  The interviewer looked surprised and asked the victim if he forgives the criminal.  The victim held back tears and replied, "Yes, I forgive him."  I had to hold back a few tears myself.  What a better world we would have if we all had that kind of love for our fellow man.

Goodbye Old Friend.

                                                      Crepe Myrtle  Blooms All Summer

I Am Saddened Today.  A few days ago, I heard of the death of an old friend.  His name was Griff and we knew each other in high school.  Griff wasn't the valedictorian nor a star athlete.  He was just one of those guys who was always there and I was glad he was.  He didn't drive a fancy car.  I always remember an old Nash, the kind that looked like an upside down bath tub.  It might not have been his, could have belonged to his parents, but Griff knew how to take advantage of its main feature, the ability to hug the road in sharp corners.  That made it perfect for a game we used to play called "Ditch Em".  It was a game where you took turns determining which driver could get away from the other.  I had a little 1940 Mercury club coupe with a flat head V-8, a really fast little car if you could hold it on the road.  Griff knew that, if he could taunt me into a game of ditch-em, he would always win.  He could make sharp turns with little trouble while I was lucky if I didn't swap ends with the Merc and end up going the wrong way.  Before I could get it turned around, Griff and his Nash would be nearing the next corner.  

Griff's Personality Was Anything but Flashy.  But we all liked him.  He had a smile for all he met and was always willing to sit down and have a conversation over a coke.  He didn't participate in any of the petty feuds and you would always know he wasn't going to talk about you when your back was turned.  I never saw much of him during high school or afterwards but I always knew he was there.  What is it about guys like Griff?  Quiet, soft spoken, never said anything bad about anyone but you knew he was there and you felt like you could always depend on him to be your friend if you needed one.  

The Last Time I Saw Him Was At Bandimere Speedway.  This was a get-together hosted by another old high school friend, Johnny Bandimere.  It was two years ago.  He was alone at a table and I sat down to visit with him and catch up with what he had been doing for the last 50 years.  We talked about business, kids, grandkids, and a bit of politics.  He had a really sad look about him and I was somewhat uncomfortable asking about his health.  I did anyway and he told me he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.  Obviously, this was nothing to take lightly but I knew there were some new drugs that helped a lot of people tremendously.  I asked if these helped and he replied, "not really."  After an awkward silence, he said, "I have Alzheimer's too."  This was the first time I had heard anyone say that they have "Alzheimer's."  Usually by the time it is diagnosed, the patient is too confused to talk about it.  We continued to discuss the issues that concerned us and then got up for lunch.  That was the last time I saw him.  I wanted to give him a hug but men seldom hug, Especially men who grew up in the 50's.  

I Will Miss Knowing He's Here.  I won't say I will miss seeing him because I hardly ever saw him but the world was a better place because of men like Griff.  My life was better for knowing him and I am saddened because of his passing.  RIP Griff Murray 1937-2012.