Clear Creek. The Land of My Ancestors.
The Stress of Business Can Be Difficult. That's why I had to spend some time at the land of my upbringing. One subject that came to mind often was that of conflict resolution. It's a subject that occupies my mind on a regular basis. Not only did I emphasize that area in in pursuit of my masters degree in communication but my business experience found me immersed in conflict on a regular basis. Now that I am less active in business, I have found that conflict is unavoidable no matter what stage of life you are in. Here are a some of the things I have learned. Perhaps you might find some of these valuable in handling you own conflicts.
We All Have a Conflict Style. We all inherit certain personality traits. These, as well as our learning experiences, pre-dispose us to styles that we might use in dealing with conflict. For example, I am a conflict avoider which sounds fine but the pitfall is that some conflicts need to be faced right away and can only get worse if not addressed if allowed to remain. There are other styles such as aggressive, which has the pitfall of becoming too
confrontational right away. Other styles include conciliatory, diplomatic, and strategic. Before addressing a conflict it is advisable to know something of what your styles tend to be so you can better control your behavior and your reaction to the other parties' tactics.
Listen to Your Emotions But Keep Them To Yourself. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, emotions are necessary if we are to make good decisions but it is best not to let them overflow to the point that they are visible to the other party. Another thing I learned in graduate school has stayed with me over the years. The first person to let their anger take over is the one who has lost the argument. When two parties are exchanging logical points, and one of them calls the other a "stupid SOB" it means that the person has run out of ammunition and is now resorting to comments that are not relative to the issues. If you hear this from the other party, know you have them on ropes. If you do this yourself, the next step is to get back on track as soon as possible.
Be Firm on The Issues But Conciliatory On Personalities. In an argument, it is OK to stick to your guns on the really important issues but you will do better over the long run if you allow the other party to save face if you should happen to accomplish one of your objectives. One little tip I remember is to save up a couple of less important issues that you are willing to concede. This will keep the other party from feeling like he or she has to remain rigid to save face.
Seek First To Understand and Then To Be Understood. This is one of the seven habits listed by Stephen Covey in his classic book. The more you know about what the other person could live with as a settlement, the more likely you are to reach an agreement that is in the best interests of both parties. One technique that experienced mediators use is to have each party re-state the last point made by the other party to indicate that he or she understood that point. In order for this to be successful the mediator has to be successful in demonstrating neutrality. It can be very valuable in helping the parties avoid constant repetition while each party tries harder and harder to make a point that has been understood long ago.
Be Realistic. Each party in the conflict has objectives that they intend to accomplish. Expecting the other party to give in to a resolution that is against his or her best interests is a fantasy. No matter how convincing your arguments are, you are unlikely to accomplish an agreement like that. Your task is one of finding common ground. If you continue to push for a one sided settlement, you are likely to end up in court, at which time both parties will often be the loser due to excess time and energy which results in a decision made by a party who has no interest in finding a solution to the benefit of both parties.
Much of This Sounds Like Common Sense. What I have written here is not rocket science yet many participants in conflict lose track of their common sense in the "heat of battle." Keeping these principles in mind will not only help you deal with conflicts, they will help you build relationships with those who disagree with you and avoid similar conflicts in the future.
We All Have a Conflict Style. We all inherit certain personality traits. These, as well as our learning experiences, pre-dispose us to styles that we might use in dealing with conflict. For example, I am a conflict avoider which sounds fine but the pitfall is that some conflicts need to be faced right away and can only get worse if not addressed if allowed to remain. There are other styles such as aggressive, which has the pitfall of becoming too
confrontational right away. Other styles include conciliatory, diplomatic, and strategic. Before addressing a conflict it is advisable to know something of what your styles tend to be so you can better control your behavior and your reaction to the other parties' tactics.
Listen to Your Emotions But Keep Them To Yourself. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, emotions are necessary if we are to make good decisions but it is best not to let them overflow to the point that they are visible to the other party. Another thing I learned in graduate school has stayed with me over the years. The first person to let their anger take over is the one who has lost the argument. When two parties are exchanging logical points, and one of them calls the other a "stupid SOB" it means that the person has run out of ammunition and is now resorting to comments that are not relative to the issues. If you hear this from the other party, know you have them on ropes. If you do this yourself, the next step is to get back on track as soon as possible.
Be Firm on The Issues But Conciliatory On Personalities. In an argument, it is OK to stick to your guns on the really important issues but you will do better over the long run if you allow the other party to save face if you should happen to accomplish one of your objectives. One little tip I remember is to save up a couple of less important issues that you are willing to concede. This will keep the other party from feeling like he or she has to remain rigid to save face.
Seek First To Understand and Then To Be Understood. This is one of the seven habits listed by Stephen Covey in his classic book. The more you know about what the other person could live with as a settlement, the more likely you are to reach an agreement that is in the best interests of both parties. One technique that experienced mediators use is to have each party re-state the last point made by the other party to indicate that he or she understood that point. In order for this to be successful the mediator has to be successful in demonstrating neutrality. It can be very valuable in helping the parties avoid constant repetition while each party tries harder and harder to make a point that has been understood long ago.
Be Realistic. Each party in the conflict has objectives that they intend to accomplish. Expecting the other party to give in to a resolution that is against his or her best interests is a fantasy. No matter how convincing your arguments are, you are unlikely to accomplish an agreement like that. Your task is one of finding common ground. If you continue to push for a one sided settlement, you are likely to end up in court, at which time both parties will often be the loser due to excess time and energy which results in a decision made by a party who has no interest in finding a solution to the benefit of both parties.
Much of This Sounds Like Common Sense. What I have written here is not rocket science yet many participants in conflict lose track of their common sense in the "heat of battle." Keeping these principles in mind will not only help you deal with conflicts, they will help you build relationships with those who disagree with you and avoid similar conflicts in the future.
